Taking It Back

I wonder, what was the first thought you had when you became conscious today.  Was it I am hungry?  I need a drink?  I need some pills?  I need my love?  I just want to go back to sleep?  I just give up?  Or was it I can’t wait to get going?  I can’t remember the last time I woke up and thought “I can’t wait to get going.”  I used to.  I used to think like that.  I don’t want to “blame motherhood.”  It has been taxing.  It’s not like I became a mom at 20 when I was chock full of energy.  Or at least had the potential to be chock full.  My girls are 15 months apart.  And I lost one in utero right before my oldest was born.  From the age of 39 to 41  I was basically pregnant for two years solid.  It took a tremendous toll.  It was not until after I had my girls, via c-section, that I had a ten-hour plastic surgery to help restore my body to some kind of normal.

Don’t argue that with me.  I used to have to wear paper towels under the folds of loose skin.  15 pounds were removed.  I did ask to have the skin in a jar.  OK, several jars. but something about medical waste, yadda yadda and there you go.  That was just the start of several surgeries I had to have.  But that’s all that is relevant regarding this discussion.  Much like many nights of sleep deprivation and creating a sleep debt, I feel like I never fully recovered.  I never really got my bounce back.

I want my bounce back.  And I am prepared to fight for it.  Paul has told me that we approach our addictions with the urgency of a drowning man.  To me, that means two things.  You either get start swimming and get yourself out of the water.  Or you drown.  The decision is entirely yours.

Are you drowning in food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, or any other form of addiction?  There are many.  I remember being addicted to the TV show Emergency.  It was on four times a day, depending upon the channel you watched.  My sister and I wanted everything to stop so we could watch it.  Mom put a stop to that.  This was, after all, before YouTube and DVR’s.  Funny, now that I can watch the entire series, I haven’t even thought about it, until now.

You know the opening montage in All That Jazz when Roy Scheider playing a character based upon the great choreographer Bob Fosse attempts to start his day?  Sometimes I feel like that.  If you have to go through anything close to what he does in those opening moments, trust me, you have a problem.  And you’re in denial if you think you don’t.  Hey,  I call it like I see it.

Today may be the day that you assess your situation.  Are you being mentally or physically abused?  Are you mentally or physically abusing yourself through torment or addiction of any kind?  Is it OK with you to wallow and founder?  Or are you going to spend today taking it back?

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