Figuring It Out

I haven’t written in awhile.  Well, I have in my head.  And I just assumed that I had taken the time to write it down and so forth.  But, no.  Just in my head.  Just now, seconds ago, I figured something out.  Regarding my eating patterns that is.  I still have to watch Inception and actually pay attention.  I eat to make me feel.  It’s really that simple, and complex, at the same time.  Lent just wrapped up for me, and anyone else who takes stock of such things.  I had given up bread, but not crackers, cookies but not desserts, and candy, but not chocolate chip pieces because they’re just an ingredient.  (I can rationalize the hell out of most everything.)  So, yes, I gave up some things I love, and yet things I do not need to eat, ever.  Carbohydrate addict here.  Anyway, as I grabbed a garlic flavored Ritz (yes, gaaaaarlic flavored) I realized, I’m not hungry.  40 days without candy, preparing Easter eggs, had a piece of candy or three, and it hits me.  I’m uncomfortable, I’m not hungry, but at least I feel something.  It’s not quite pain, but it’s something.  Something I don’t like.  And I just now recognized it as a feeling I have had many, many times.  So strange, strange that a person will keep doing something that hurts them.  Yet, isn’t that just the same old story?  Do I eat because I think I’m unloved?  Ridiculous.  People have told me.  All the time.  Maybe hearing it all these years isn’t what I’ve been looking for.  You’re supposed to feel it, aren’t you?  Now, here’s the trick.  I just realized it.  What will I do with it?  Is this the key that will finally give me control over my food?  Or will I just keep filling the empty hole?  Will let you know.

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One Comment on “Figuring It Out”

  1. 🙂 I feel you on that. I like to say…. I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all….. I’m blessed to be given a chance to feel. I hope you feel the same way 🙂

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