Every day I thought I’d get better, be fitter, be thinner.  Every day since I last blogged I failed.  I hear my friends say, “you’re too hard on yourself.”  Which is awesome, that’s what your friends are supposed to say.  Unless of course you’re wallowing in food and self pity, then they need to smack you about and say “wake the hell up out of this before you ruin all your hard work!”  It’s a fine line, being a friend, especially a friend of a Type A personality food addict.

I’m in the same mindset I once was.  Just even out that slice of cake.  Because of my surgery I am unable to eat the slice, but I can even the hell out of it.  Just this and just that add up.  Now, I’m not a complete and total idiot.  I haven’t gained 100 pounds or anything insane.  I am just living in a state of constant disappointment with my own behaviors, which is never good.  I remember what it was like to be so large I could not cross my legs.  Inwardly flipping off people who were complaining about needing to lose 10 to 20 pounds.  Now I’m one of those people.  I just have a little to lose.  And yet, in my mind, it is as mountainous as when I had 200 to lose.

However, I do have this going for me.  I know that I won’t give up.  I know I never have.  I may sicken myself, but who isn’t full of self-loathing, eh?  I do not write this as a New Year’s Resolution.  My need to fill an empty hole with food is not something that will magically be stuffed by a new date on the calendar.  I write this as a reminder.  Do what has to be done–and so I shall have give it a go, again.   Two people very close to me have commented upon something I thought was either unimportant, hidden, or both.  Perhaps it is none of those things.  One told me, “I’ve seen you get up after you’re down long after I would’ve called it quits, long after anyone else would’ve called it quits.  You’re not a quitter.”  The other, more succinctly said, “For the spirit you display, for your attitude to life — you are unbroken.”

I think most actions, especially addictive ones, can be rationalized (to an extent) because everyone has a story and to me, all stories are compelling.   Regarding just one piece of my own story, I have come to realize that I am no longer the girl who lost 200 pounds.  I am the woman who remains unbroken.

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One Comment on “Unbroken”

  1. kmk Says:

    Your tenacity in dealing with life is amazing on all fronts. As someone that is familiar with a compulsive addiction, I can tell you that the hardest part is being so aware of that stupid hole in the heart/gut/soul that is just pleading to be filled .. with ANTHING! men, food, wine, beer, shopping, internet surfing.. you name it.. an American has done it/lived it.

    Your spirit is unbroken… Yeah.. someone may have kicked it in the gnads.. but, you’ll shake it off and stand back up. That’s why I root for you every single day.

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