C is for Clarity
Clarity arrived at 3am this morning as I was holding back my 6-year-old’s hair as she vomited. You know, vomit is the ultimate truth serum. As half of my brain focused on helping her, the other half gave me a stern talking to. I have been a headache sufferer for most of my life. The past year the pain finally knocked me on my ass and I’m in major treatment for TMJ. But still, the pain has been, to put it politely, extreme. As Anna Grace was calmly dealing with being sick, I came to the realization that I have been plying myself with comfort foods because I have not been dealing well with the pain I was experiencing. I have been giving myself a free pass to eat foods I either would not normally eat, or not in such a volume, or just plain snack when, as every good bariatric patient knows you should never snack–all as a way to cope with the pain. I believe this is called an Ah-ha moment (which is different from an A-Ha moment which compels you to listen to “Take On Me” over and over.) And so today, when I poured out some cereal for my girls, I did not eat a bite from each bowl. I’ve had my protein bar, and I’ve had a salad. As I know it will take me about three weeks to get all this rampant food insanity and carb cravings under control, I am easing off. If I feel I have to eat between meals, it will be vegetables. I have almost convinced my palate that sugar snap peas and hummus are as good as Ruffles and French Onion Dip. And much less greasy. Having totally de-carbed before with Amy Cotta’s Six Weeks to Skinny Jeans program, I know it can be done. And it can be done by me. I also know that I don’t have clothes big enough to include this padding of self-loathing I have added. Self-loathing cannot be contained. Even by duct tape.