I fell

You knew it would happen.  Were you placing bets?  Did you think all along, oh, the fat girl will lose?  (When you once had a BMI of  60, in your head, you are “the fat girl” just sayin’).  When I say lose, I mean, lose the will to do this?  Not listen to her own preaching?  Oh, I listened to it.  Every word.  Why do you think I preach it?  It’s not just for your benefit you know.  It’s for mine.  But I fell.  I fell off my own soapbox.  I’ve had a difficult time recently.  And anyone who is an addict has an addictive personality.  I am thankful I am not a meth addict.  Seriously.  I am thankful I am not an alcoholic.  I have my own addictions though and when under extreme stress they surface.  The good news is, I can control them much of the time.  For those who don’t have addictions or who aren’t close to any type of addicts, it’s like keeping a hungry tiger in a cardboard box.  The only thing between you and the tiger is some duct tape.  Mind you, duct tape is awesome.  The thing is, eventually, the tiger gets out.  Then it either eats the box, eats you, you run from it, or, there’s always another way, or you duct tape the tiger’s mouth shut.  You ever try to duct tape a hungry tiger?  Now maybe you non addicts get the picture.  I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’m just saying it is a mighty battle.  One in which only the strong survive.  And sometimes the tiger gets out and tears you up before you can bitch slap it back in the box again.  The 6 Weeks to Skinny Jeans program is amazing.  It is sound and I believe in it.  I have worked extremely hard to lose five measly pounds.  And in just one week have managed to eat back four.  Thank you very much.  I am so proud of that.  Makes me wonder how many times I’ve lost that weight over the course of my lifetime.  I’ll bet I’ve lost thousands of pounds.  Did the food I ate make me  feel any better when I ate it?  No, it made me feel awful.  But I ate it anyway.  I ate it because I didn’t know how else to express what I felt.  I have decided I need a new addiction.  An addiction to exercise.  Perhaps I could become one of those annoying people always doing presses and leg lifts while they stand and talk to you.  There are people like that, right?  I don’t know any, but I assume they would annoy me.  Where does that leave me now?  Well, I could wallow in a big puddle of failure.  I do not find that acceptable.  I will climb back on my soap box and start preaching the straight and narrow food life once again.  I will walk the walk and talk the talk.  Because there really is no alternative for me.  I would be full of far too much self-loathing to let’s say, gain 20 pounds.  I simply couldn’t do that to myself.  So I start all over again.  Everyone is going to fail at something eventually.  The key is to not let the failure stop you from trying again.  I’ve never given up on anything I really, really wanted to accomplish.  I’m not about to give up now.  I’ve got the tiger by the tail.  All I have to do is get him back in the box.

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2 Comments on “I fell”

  1. Clay Callaway Says:

    I love your writing, your podcast, your eyelashes, and your transparent-ness

  2. Hi Jane Ellen,

    I just stumbled across your blog, and I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I too suffered from food addiction for a long time, and I can really relate to that battle with the tiger.

    I just wanted to let you know that if you’re tired of fighting it, there are programs that can help. I joined a 12 Step program in 1999, and I’ve been free of 55 pounds AND THE OBSESSION WITH FOOD for the last eleven years. I never thought I’d be one of those people who didn’t have to fight the food, but I am! And it’s amazing!

    If you want to read a little bit about my story, feel free to check out these posts on my blog: http://heatherwhistler.wordpress.com/2010/06/20/twenty-questions/

    I wish you all the best and hope you gain the sanity and control you’re seeking.



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